when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
