So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
God, I missed his penis.
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