I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
