I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
