I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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