he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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