I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
