Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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