Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
