her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We talked him into tasing himself.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
