your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
