I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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