I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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