dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
