I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
