About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
