Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
