i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
