Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
