dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
