I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
two words: eviction party
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
