Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
