the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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