Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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