matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
