you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
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we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
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I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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