I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
