I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
