My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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