My room smells like vodka and shame
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
