Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
