Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
