You're my little dorito
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
