Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My vagina just clenched in fear
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
