If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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