I didn't shave. On purpose
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
