I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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