I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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