theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We are all done wearing pants today
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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