My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
