dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
