i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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