Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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