My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
