can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
