I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
