I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
