Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
