DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
