I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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