I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
