so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
