You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
