i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
