can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
