Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
