I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Who died my cat blue again?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
