She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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