just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
