Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
