Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
