I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
