I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just want to make out with him forever
My ass is underappreciated
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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