You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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