You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
