Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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